February 2012
59 posts
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Reasons I Am A Horrible Gay, #512
What is a mimosa? / The only brunches I’ve ever had are with my family, on Easter
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Keep It To Yourself
A couple weeks ago, a friend of mine who is a frequent reader of this blog asked me why I never post about guys on here. To him I would say that it is either because I have nothing going on and I spend most of my Friday nights crying into a bowl of Reese’s Puffs, or because I think that for stuff like that, maybe you should not be blathering about it all over the Internet. I realize that these...
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Do you ever stop and think,
“Wow, I am srsly obsessed with myself”?
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#BirthdayCakeRemix
Friend: Glozell is going to have something to say about this
Me: I feel like Glozell might explode
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pikachuears asked: Name an artist from the each of the following three decades: 80s, 90s and early 2000s that faded into obscurity whom you would love to see (and hear) make a comeback. I'm talking ridiculous Vitamin C-esque one hit wonders.
stickyandsweet asked: Are you pro life or pro choice?
padude asked: if someone forced you to watch romantic comedies all day which ones could you tolerate and which would make you want to stick a fork in your eyes?
servedwithasideofsarcasm asked: Hey, Matt! You've been really crushin' it on the blogging lately! I was just wondering, what songs does your alarm play to wake you up in the morning?
“I had to go home and walk the dog because my dad went bird watching all day.”
– My best friend, filling me in on her day
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It was like a deleted scene from "I Am Sam."
The best way to describe my most recent, tape-dispenser related, moment of workplace incompetence.
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“Take things you like and make them different. *silent giggle* If you like swans,...”
– Bjork (Kristin Wiig), giving advice on how to be quirky
Huh?
Once upon a time during freshman year, my friends and I were at a coffee shop. We were all trying to get work done, except for me, because of my life-threatening allergies to productivity and doing anything resembling work. I just wrote out what I was thinking (I do this a lot, actually), to make it look like I was doing something. Four years later, I don’t remember what most of this was...
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Bad Haircuts, Second Husbands, and White Guilt
So freshman year of college, I was in this residential program that was supposed to be about arts and humanities, but really it was just about white guilt.
A Canadian woman named Sarah Smith taught one of the classes I took in this program freshman year, during the first – and only – semester I was in that program. True Story: during the very first week of classes, we had to go into these...
Voicemail
My best friend left me this voicemail over the weekend. I can’t believe I’m just now hearing it. This is why we’re friends:
So I’m reading through our old Facebook messages… I just want you to know what a stone-cold bitch I used to be/still might be. Here’s a message… an email that I wrote you on September 4, 2006. Get ready for the cuntiest email you’ve ever heard.
I wrote… “went on [girl from...
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A Brief History Of Mean Things I Have Said About...
Sometime during freshman year: My friend Hilary and I christen her “Fatty Clarkbars,” a name that we continue to use to this day
Today: My friend Aleya posts K-Cal’s (or Fatty Clarkbars, whatever you’d like to refer to her as) performance of the National Anthem on my wall to remind me that despite my hope that she would pull a Christina, she did a good job. I responded...
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“You’ve gone through, like, three months of my blog. You’re not just...”
– I am hilarious, always